How to Excersise Your Human

By Kitten K Boodles

Have you noticed that your Human may be getting a little lazy? You need to teach that Human a lesson! How dare they feed us diet food and try to keep us limber by setting up toys that we should play with. I don't see the Human eating diet food! And the toys that the Human has to excersise with just serve as clothes hangers in my house!

Here are some of my own tips for you to get that lazy Human up and running!

To promote a quick cardiac jump start, leap out suddenly and attack the Human landing about as high as the hip. Smack the Human with your claws and make a sound liek this: "rrrrrrrrRRRRREEWW!" This will stimulate your Human right into work out mode!

Bring a Mouse or favorite toy right to the Human. Preferably when the Human is in bed all under the covers and comfy. Mew at your Human and drop the toy right where she can reach it. The Human will not be able to resist throwing the toy for you to get. I know this requires a little effort, but go and get the toy, and bring it back to the Human, setting it just out of reach for her. I promise you that she will get the toy and throw it again. Now, here comes the important part....ready? Bring back the toy but only half way there...drop it. Then, scamper happily to your Human and Mew making sure your body displayes the proper "I am ready, so hurry and throw it again!" attitude. This will prompt the Human to get out of bed! After all, how often do you really engage in this sort of play! It is usually just to make the Human look silly.

To work those upper arm muscles and for deep knee bends, I suggest pooping in the litterbox. Now, hear me out... it has to be done just right. Make your first deposit when the Human isn't looking, and walk away. Now, about 20 minutes later, stand outside the litter box and Meow. Your Human should get the hint that your box needs to be cleaned out. The Human will deep knee bend and scoop her little heart out. As soon as she is done, and as soon as she stands up again, go into the litter box and poop again. Now, the Human thought proccess is as follows: "I just spent 5 minutes cleaning out this box. I will now have to take out the garbage. However, now the Cat has just made a little again, and can't possibly have any more in her. I might as well clean out this little bit again so the box will be clean for a few hours." Now, the Human will be so satisfied with her logic, she will again deep knee bend and scoop and scoop. Wait until after she is trying the garbage bag up in knots and pull your finest trick yet! Go back in to the box, and now let that bladder loose! Be sure to track litter outside the box every time you go in. Now I bet ten Nip-Mouses that your Human will again apply her strange logic and untie the bag, and rescoop the litter. Tracking litter will also promote knee bends. Also, you may hide your deposits in different areas of the box, inviting a sort of Treasure Hunt, causing the Human to work her brain searching out the treasure! Bonus!!!

Does your Human need more leg work? Watch your Human make herself comfy on her favorite chair. Sneak into another room, preferably one involving going up more than one or two flights of stairs. Start meowing and yowling in a voice you hardly ever use. Scratch a little bit here and there and then gallop accorss the floor in short bursts. Settle yourself in and Meow again and again. Soon, you will be rewarded with your Human working those leg muscles coming upstairs to see what the heck kind of monster you are keeping out of her room! You have just gotten your Human to Stair Step. Hard, but entirely possible.

To get your Human to work her upper body, you should become a Lap Kitty. Settling yourself on her Lap and a purrr will entice your Human to start stroking your fur. Pretty soon, your Human should become engrossed in grooming you and a whole hour will pass! You are helping your Human get rid of that flabby underarm thing going on, while getting a well deserved grooming in the meantime. After all, what do they think we are in this for?

Well, Kitties, I hope you enjoyed some of my tips on getting that lazy Human up and going! It is better for the Human, trust me. You need to keep that Human in shape to take care of you, it is very important. Take car of yourselves, and remember...One Two Three...deep knee bends...Four Five Six.....scoop scoop....One Two Three....deep knee bends.....Four Five Six.....scoop scoop.